If you need to impress people and you’re a lazy ass motherfucker, make sushi.

Cutting Salmon

Especially nigiri. It’s insane how infatuated people are with a slice of raw uncooked fish on sour rice. Yeah, you don’t even have to turn on a gas stove or use any pots or pans.

Huge fucking block of toro

My snap story is blowing up with “daaaamnnnn zadddddy” replies when all I did was cut fish and put it on a stupid rice ball. I did mix in rice vinegar and some sugar into the rice ball to make it sushi rice, but it’s still a simplistic fucking clump of white rice with some slimy shit on top.

Served to girlfriend

Look how happy she is! All I did was plate it on a $1.50 wooden block thing purchased from Daiso and now I’m a fucking superstar chef and everyone is so impressed whoopdeedoo this profession is a fucking joke.

Left to right:

  • Ikura wrapped in seaweed topped with chives
  • O-toro with Mirin-soy glaze
  • Salmon with Shiso marinated seaweed
  • Fresh Japanese Hotate on Shiso leaf


I’m going to open a sushi restaurant.